Coffin Hopping with Axel Howerton

There’s nothing better than welcoming the witching season by curling up on the couch with big bowl o’ hot buttered popcorn, some sugary goodies and watching your favorite horror flick on t.v.

But one can only watch Regan spew out pea soup so many times before becoming jaded.

Find out how being the last virile male in the area would aid today’s spotlight author Axel Howerton in vanquishing the next Big Bad horror movie villain.

BB: Using mythical creatures, popular movie villains, strange characters and any other weirdness your twisted mind can think of, conjure up what you think the next Big Bad horror villain should be.

Attack of the MMA Mutants from Cleveland. 6 foot tall, 250 lb gorillas, trained in the ways of hand-to-hand combat, suddenly converted into a mindless horde of human destruction by Doctor Emilio Sphinctorum, The Cleve’s most disgruntled bio-engineering researcher, who wants his grants restored by a government that left science behind.

BB: What would you do if you ran into said villain?

Upon encountering a pack of wild MMA mutants, I lure them away from the streets, where they flip cars, use arm-bars and scissor-locks to snap lamp-posts and pummel innocent pedestrians into the bloody pavement. I goad them into following me into the nearest gym, where I hope to distract them with racks of Tapout shirts and shelves of protein enhanced energy drinks.

BB: You need to stand out from the other victims in the movie. What catchphrase would you scream as you try to run away?


BB: The monster has you and your friends cornered. What do you do?

Sweep the leg. Then run. Then we realize that the hideous MMA mutants can no longer handle water. Their bodies have become so inured to added electrolytes and processed chemical enhancements that prolong their optimal energy “zones” that plain ol tap-water has become their weakness. Luckily, Brooklyn (who is actually from Philadelphia) has a full compliment of super soakers in the trunk of his 1977 AMC Gremlin, on account of being on his way to the National Water Sports Spray-Down Olympics when the shit went down. We confuse the mutants by blasting “YMCA” through the loudspeaker of an ice cream truck that we’ve emblazoned with  makeshift Monster Energy Drink signage. We use the truck to lead them to Lake Eerie, where they all sink to the bottom of the lake as we escape to the safety of Whiskey Island.

BB: What is your weapon of choice to fight the Big Bad?

The biggest and baddest of the bad walks out of the bottom of the Cuyehoga River, stomping out of the mudflats like an enraged Golem and runs us down into the labyrinthine maze of the Federal Marine Terminal, where, at the last possible moment, Janie Jones, the punk-rock star/physicist with enormous fake breasts, finds the switch for the industrial hoses used to wash down tanker ships and the last of the survivors channel what little strength we have left, to hold the hoses in place and fire directly into the mouth of our attacker.

BB: What is the eventual outcome? Is your number up? Or do you survive (and if so, how does the ordeal effect you)?

After dispatching the final MMA Monster, the group disbands to head out into the city and bring together the survivors. Janie Jones, sexy lady scientist with a heart of gold, finds clues that tell us who the mastermind is and, being the last virile male in the area, I take it upon my own tattered, bruised and slightly scratched shoulders to finish him off. I arrive just as he escapes to his helicopter with the last two man-beasts in their stretched out Ed Hardy shirts and laugh excessively as they lift off. I throw a tow cable from a conveniently nearby jeep and handily catch their landing skid, pulling them off-kilter and into a death-spiral. I lock eyes with Sphinctorum a split-second before they crash and throw him a wink and a smile. “Sweet Sassy Molassey.” I calmly state as I walk away, backlit by the slo-mo explosion. Fade to black. Triumphant musical swell.

Axel Howerton is most often described as: Badass Dad. Attendant Hubby. Author. Film/Music/Book reviewer. Time Lord. Bookhouse Boy. Coffee Addict. Dudeist. Sox National. Enmascarado. Reformed pugilist. Ink Monkey.

Axel is the long-time Managing Editor of, and former Associate Editor of the horror fiction quarterly Dark Moon Digest. His work has recently appeared in Kitschykoo Magazine, Beatroute, Dark Moon Digest, Dark Eclipse, Big Pulp, and on the websites EWR: Short Stories, My Good Eye, The Den of Iniquity, ECDVD and Fires on the Plain among many others.

Axel is currently working on a new novel that might have some kind of supernatural goings-on paired with his usual brand of sardonic catastrophe. He will also be busy managing the annual online horror author event Coffin Hop; editing and contributing to the Coffin Hop Anthology to debut October 2013; and working on a new sci-fi dark YA action-comedy with Red Tash, author of the excellent “This Brilliant Darkness”.

Mostly, Axel spends his time braving the frigid tundra and the unruly tribes of wandering Sasquatch of his Western Canadian home – usually two steps behind his two brilliant young sons, and a wife that is way out of his league.

Axel’s darkly comedic crime novel HOT SINATRA will be released by Evolved Publishing Jan 15, 2013. ( Also look for LET IT SNOW: SEASONS READING FOR A SUPER COOL YULE this November, featuring the story “A Manlove & Kickerdick Xmas” and the Arcana Press comic STEAMPUNK ORIGINALS featuring the steampunk story “Rule Brittania: The Messenger” by Axel Howerton & Red Tash.

Find out more about Axel:

Check out the other authors taking part in the Coffin Hop – there are some stellar prizes to be won, including a BLOODY BOOKISH PRIZE PACK!

And don’t forget to check out our other Coffin Hop posts below!


2 Comments Add yours

  1. I could totally see that as a movie, starring Bruce Campbell.


  2. I’m going to be using that catchphrase, not gonna lie…


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