There’s nothing better than welcoming the witching season by curling up on the couch with big bowl o’ hot buttered popcorn, some sugary goodies and watching your favorite horror flick on t.v.
But one can only watch The Birds go ballistic so many times before becoming jaded.
Join today’s spotlight author, Red Tash, and find out how she would survive the Unicorn of Doom!
Editor’s Note: Extreme potty-mouth action in the following! Read at your own risk!
BB: Using mythical creatures, popular movie villains, strange characters and any other weirdness your twisted mind can think of, conjure up what you think the next Big Bad horror villain should be.
Well, I don’t think you can miss with an Ass-raping Unicorn of Doom. Has that trope played itself out yet? Is it okay to say “ass-rape” on this blog? If not, let’s amend that statement to “close-talking,” you know–like those socially aggressive types that get into your face? Anyway, yeah. Ginormous overbearing pink unicorn with sort of a CareBears motif rip-off on the underside of his belly? Pink/yellow/white braided mane of yarn? Who wouldn’t cower in fear in front of that bastard?
BB: What would you do if you ran into said villain?
Well, that’s the rub, isn’t it? No pun, intended. I mean, when it comes to rape of any kind, one wants to defend oneself. On the other hand, if you stand up to the “rainbow beast” and protest anal sex, how homophobic is that?
I think that in the end (pun intended that time), one must make decisions regarding the Unicorn of Doom on a case-by-case basis. You’ve got to do what’s right for you.
I suppose were it me, I would shriek and run and pray for Godzilla’s imminent arrival. I imagine one of my characters (Harlow, for instance) could tame the beast with the help of his friends. They might soothe it with a ridiculously long power jam on the harmonica that would put even Blues Traveler to sleep. Come to think of it, it might require the forces of Blues Traveler themselves to subdue a creature like that. I mean, is there any music less ass-rapey than Blue Traveler? Hrm. You may be onto something, Mary.
BB: You need to stand out from the other victims in the movie. What catchphrase would you scream as you try to run away?
Well, I think the obvious answer is you’re going to find me and mine in a country setting (assuming the Unicorn has already torn through a metro area and decimated the burbs). Cut to me with my screaming brats on the back of a donkey. I dig my heels into the beast & slap its neck with the reigns, barbarically yawping “I’m getting my ass out of here!” as we trot off cross-country in the inelegant gait donkeys possess.
BB: The monster has you and your friends cornered. What do you do?
Whip out that harmonica. “The Hook Brings You Back, mother fucker!”
BB: What is your weapon of choice to fight the Big Bad?
Besides the harmonica and my good wits? I’d probably have to use my WonderTwin powers to summon my posse. I mean, my kids are always packing heat, but I’ll usually settle things like a man, myself. I could use my buddies for back up. What I want to know, for any of them reading: what would your SuperHero costume look like? Because right now, I’m kind of envisioning all of you as Green Lanterns, for no good reason. (As if anyone is going to claim me after reading this interview.)
BB: What is the eventual outcome? Is your number up? Or do you survive (and if so, how does the ordeal effect you)?
My kiddos and I survive, and instead of being raped, our ass falls in love with the Unicorn of Doom! It’s very sweet, a la Donkey and Dragon in Shrek. Turns out the Unicorn was just confused and mislabeled by the media–there were no actual ass-rapes given in evidence, it was just a slow news day. And she’s not a close-talker, either. She’s actually really nice. I go on to publish a best-selling comic about the adventure that becomes a blockbuster movie. We all go on the Ellen show and dance with President Obama, fireworks light up the sky, and we ride home on a speed train roller coaster that goes over the moon, where we disembark on jetpacks and drop off our dear sweet unicorn (who doesn’t require oxygen to breathe because she is an enormous stuffed animal)…who turns out to be pregnant! (See, told you it was a big misunderstanding.) We space-parachute back to our hidden lair inside a dormant volcano, but go to visit our favorite monster and her babies The Moonicorns every few days! We even have a space helmet fitted for our ass so he can go along. The end!
Red Tash is a journalist-turned-novelist of dark fantasy for readers of all ages. Monsters, SciFi, wizards, trolls, fairies, and roller derby lightly sautéed in a Southern/Midwestern sauce hand-canned from her mama’s recipes await you in her pantry of readerly delights. Y’all come, anytime.
Find out more about Red:
And don’t forget to check out our other Coffin Hop posts below!